The Invisible Expectations of Motherhood
After having my first baby, I tried to breastfeed but struggled. I tried for about a month and felt pressured to make it happen. I went into this birth with the expectation that I would be able to breastfeed my baby. But it didn’t happen, and I felt like a failure. I didn’t want to tell people I wasn’t breastfeeding my baby because I worried they would judge me or maybe think I was a failure, too. I wasn’t okay, and I’m not sure anyone knew it. I had this invisible expectation of motherhood that I should be able to breastfeed, and it consumed me.
Invisible expectation of motherhood
I define an invisible expectation of motherhood as an expectation that you have of yourself as a mom. These expectations might be influenced by those around us, social media, or things we read. They are expectations that others might not see, but they consume us. They greatly impact how we feel about ourselves as moms, and they can significantly impact our mental health. Let me give you another example of an invisible expectation of motherhood that I experienced.
Potty-training
When my oldest daughter was nearing her third birthday, she wasn’t potty trained yet. I bought the potty seat. We did the sticker charts. She was interested but not ready, and I had a hard time accepting that. I had this invisible expectation that I should have her potty trained by now, so I pushed her to do it. I remember one day, I was trying so hard to potty train with her, and when she started refusing, I got so upset that I ended up locking myself in my bedroom and had a meltdown.
Locking myself in my bedroom was a wake-up call for me. I couldn’t keep going like this, but I wondered, does anyone else struggle with these things? Why does this look so easy for everyone else? What are other moms doing that I’m not? The answer? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing.
Awareness, values & challenges
We can all agree that what matters the most in motherhood is the overall well-being of you and your family. However, invisible expectations can consume us and significantly affect our well-being. Awareness of invisible expectations and when they are taking over is crucial.
We need to be aware of invisible expectations to make a change. When we are aware of invisible expectations, we can then work to challenge them. Using the potty-training example from before, I will give you an example of what I mean.
Challenging invisible expectations
After the potty-training incident with my first, I knew something needed to change. It took me a while to realize what needed to change, but I started noticing a pattern. I noticed these expectations of myself as a mom with things like breastfeeding, baby sleeping through the night, potty-training, and more. I noticed how much I was affected when expectations weren’t met. Then I started asking myself questions like,
“Where did this expectation come from?”
“Who is this important to?”
“What is important to me?”
“What is best for me and my baby?”
“How can I challenge this expectation?”
“What do I want to do differently in the future?”
Change
Having an awareness of invisible expectations of motherhood and being able to name them when they are happening is the first step. The next step is to challenge the expectation with what is important, what is best for you, and what works for you. Motherhood is hard enough, and we need to release whatever we can—check in with yourself with curiosity and compassion. If you carry any invisible expectations, explore them with the questions above.
Challenging my invisible expectations of motherhood helped me with my second and third babies. I didn’t have an expectation that I needed to breastfeed. I waited until they were ready to potty-train (which was a different age for all of them), and so much in between. Having an awareness of invisible expectations of motherhood and working to challenge them can make a big difference. Hang in there, mama. You are not alone.
